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We recap The Bachelor 2018: episode 1

Rachel FennerWestern Suburbs Weekly

To open the show the voice over guy would like to remind us that The Bachelor Nick Cummins is “going to score”. Classy.

“I’m the flamin’ bachelor,” Nick Cummins aka Honey Bach tells us.

More: Brooke rose to a favourite for Nick Cummins on The Bachelor

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The Honey Bach is the most Aussie Ocker bachelor EVER. Prepare for the hilarious quotes.

Meanwhile, Osher reminds Honey Bach he should be intimidated.

“The sun will set and tomorrow you’ll be wiser or you’ll be dead,” he tells Osh.

Better dead than a life with some of these Bachelorettes.

MEET THE BACHELORETTES

Shannon is 25 and lives in Melbourne and she’s just told us she’s sh*tting her dacks.

I have a feeling her and Honey Bach might be a perfect match.

You’re awesome, I love you, she tells Honey Bach within moments of meeting him, Shannon is intense, but spoiler we ain’t seen nothing yet.

Brooke 23 is a youth worker who lives in Perth – so she should be able to handle a giant man child.

Brooke is perfect and the wifey of this season, and I love her and I want to marry Brooke. Go home Shannon, you’ve been replaced.

They’re playing rugby together and they both play wing – whatever that means – so they’re obviously soulmates. Which means Brooke will finish second and break our hearts.

Brittany is 30 – she’s from NSW and here for the buffet. Aren’t we all Britt Britt?

Honey Bach and Britt are the same age and were born in the same town. Dude, you might be related, this match is not a good idea. Make sure she knows who her dad is.

Cayla is an energy healer, which means she spends a lot of time in the dark playing with rocks and staring deeply at candles.

She had a psychic dream about Honey Bach, but doesn’t actually know who he is. Your energy is wrong Cayla. She brought him a rock full of good intentions. It weighs two kilos – good intentions are heavy.

Cat 24 is a fashion designer from Bali. The pair appear to have all the chemistry of two pieces of cardboard.

Tenielle brought crockery to smash, usually I just do this when I’m angry at my husband, but Tenielle is doing it to attract a man. Not too sure about this strategy.

Poor Cass is being set up to be a single white female – she met Honey Bach playing rugby and he goes to her gym. AWKWARD. The producers on this show are hella mean.

Cass may have already got it on with Honey Batch. She has feelings for him. These guys have already hooked up, fo sho.

Honey Batch is freaked out you guys.

“We had a couple of dates…. And things,” Honey Batch says.

“Timing wasn’t right.

“What a surprise.”

Poor Cass….

We briefly see more girls we don’t have time to get to know.

But Honey Batch is not complaining because “they’re gorgeous”.

One of them is not wearing shoes.

One is as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

This season is going to be full of Aussie slang.

Dasha the Russian gets the sultry music because she’s the sexy villain this season.

And she’s got mooooves.

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