We recap The Bachelor 2018: episode 1

We recap The Bachelor 2018: episode 1

To open the show the voice over guy would like to remind us that The Bachelor Nick Cummins is “going to score”. Classy.

“I’m the flamin’ bachelor,” Nick Cummins aka Honey Bach tells us.

More: Brooke rose to a favourite for Nick Cummins on The Bachelor 

The Honey Bach is the most Aussie Ocker bachelor EVER. Prepare for the hilarious quotes.

Meanwhile, Osher reminds Honey Bach he should be intimidated.

“The sun will set and tomorrow you’ll be wiser or you’ll be dead,” he tells Osh.

Better dead than a life with some of these Bachelorettes.


Shannon is 25 and lives in Melbourne and she’s just told us she’s sh*tting her dacks.

I have a feeling her and Honey Bach might be a
perfect match.

You’re awesome, I love you, she tells Honey Bach within moments of meeting him, Shannon is intense, but spoiler we ain’t seen nothing yet.

Brooke 23 is a youth worker who lives in Perth – so she should be able to handle a giant man child.

Brooke is perfect and the wifey of this season, and I love her and I want to marry Brooke. Go home Shannon, you’ve been replaced.

They’re playing rugby together and they both play wing – whatever that means – so they’re obviously soulmates. Which means Brooke will finish second and break our hearts.

Brittany is 30 – she’s from NSW and here for the buffet. Aren’t we all Britt Britt?

Honey Bach and Britt are the same age and were born in the same town. Dude, you might be related, this match is not a good idea. Make sure she knows who her dad is.

Cayla is an energy healer, which means she spends a lot of time in the dark playing with rocks and staring deeply at candles.

She had a psychic dream about Honey Bach, but doesn’t actually know who he is.
Your energy is wrong Cayla. She brought him a rock full of good intentions. It weighs two kilos – good intentions are heavy.

Cat 24 is a fashion designer from Bali. The pair appear to have all the chemistry of two pieces of cardboard.

Tenielle brought crockery to smash, usually I just do this when I’m angry at my husband, but Tenielle is doing it to attract a man. Not too sure about this strategy.

Poor Cass is being set up to be a single white female – she met Honey Bach playing rugby and he goes to her gym. AWKWARD. The producers on this show are hella mean.

Cass may have already got it on with Honey Batch. She has feelings for him. These guys have already hooked up, fo sho.

Honey Batch is freaked out you guys.

“We had a couple of dates…. And things,” Honey Batch says.

“Timing wasn’t right.

“What a surprise.”

Poor Cass….

We briefly see more girls we don’t have time to get to know.

But Honey Batch is not complaining because “they’re gorgeous”.

One of them is not wearing shoes.

One is as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

This season is going to be full of Aussie slang.

Dasha the Russian gets the sultry music because she’s the sexy villain this season.

And she’s got mooooves.

I totally did the same the first time I met my husband Dasha…..

Vanessa Sunshine does not love our Honey Batch. And spoiler – Vanessa Sunshine does not live up to her name.

“He looks good in a suit but is he ready to remove his moustache?,” Vanessa Sunsine said.

Wow, Vanessa Sunshine. You do not try to change a man within 30 seconds of meeting him.

Vanessa Sunshine obviously subscribes to the treat em mean keep em keen style of dating.

She also thinks she is the life of the party but might be confusing confidence with arrogance.

10/10 Vanessa Sunshine is not her real name, despite the fact she has just told the other girls her name is Vanessa Sunshine at least ten thousand times.

The music is telling us not to like Vanessa Sunshine, but we don’t need the music to tell us not to like Vanessa Sunshine. We don’t like Vanessa Sunshine.

Nick Cummins does not make her feel “bow chicka wow wow”. It’s time to go home sweetheart.

Right after you cause DRAMA for a few more episodes.


Single white female Cass would like to remind us that her and Honey Bach have a romantic connection, Britt Britt would like to remind us her and Honey Bach might be related.

Cass lets the other girls know she knows Honey Bach… personally. She lets them know they haven’t hooked up before. The other girls are as doubtful as we are.

Cat would like the Bachelor to be Osher. You and the rest of Australia Cat.

Osher reminds the ladies that they are here to fall in love and make babies with Honey Bach. Can they at least have a drink with him first Osh?

Obviously, ratings were down last season because Osher has just produced a key to Honey Batch’s room.

Single white female Cass’s eyes light up.


Britt Britt thinks her long lost brother Honey Batch looks like a cauliflower. Awww that is sweet.

Cass’s hands are shaking. Oh Cass honey, please stop. This is not going to end well.

Cat spots a chick called Sophie – Cat knows Sophie and she is p*ssed off she is here. I see a CAT fight coming after the ad break.

Turns out Sophie might have hooked up with Cat’s ex or friend or someone.

I hope Sophie is here for the right reasons, Cat says.

Cat does not hope Sophie is here for the right reasons.

Cat does not give a sh*t, she is going to tell Sophie how it is. Cat’s sidekick is loving the drama and so are we.

There’s a rush to between Honey Bach and Cat to catch Sophie – but who will get there first?

The Honey Bach saves Sophie from Cat’s claws!

Energy healer Cayla continues being quirky and scary, and the other girls are terrified.

Sophie, who loves the water you guys, and Honey Batch are playing with boats in the pool. NO seriously, they’re playing with boats.

That little boat race is a bit different to the boat race I’m used to, Honey Batch says.

I don’t know what this means. Did he just say something dirty?

Sophie is refreshed that an Australian guy can admit his feelings. And admit them Honey Batch can – in slang form only.

He tells Sophie he’s going to take her on a bogan chariot aka a jetski. Because Sophie loves the water, you guys!


Sophie who loves the water admits she hung out with Cat’s ex-boyfriend. She questions why she is being questioned about questions or something?

Cat knows Sophie is lying – but knows Honey Bach will think she is a basic b*tch and we all know there’s nothing worse than a basic b*tch.

Also, I think the music lied – Dasha the Russian might not be the villain this season, it might actually be Cat.

Things are heating up on The Bachelor.

Single white female Cass has not taken her eyes off Honey Bach ALL NIGHT. She’s logged his time with other women down to the second.

Here’s Cassy.

Brooke, aka our wifey, finally gets time with Honey Bach. He’s compared her to Pocahontas, who is easily the best Disney Princess.

Brooke has a lot of love to give Honey Bach and she has bad dad jokes!

They start telling each other equally bad dad jokes. This is romance. He starts talking about love at first sight.

Brooke is definitely a wifey, which reminder! means she’ll come second and break our hearts.

Single white female Cass finally gets some time with Honey Bach before she explodes.

She’s telling Honey Bach about her diary and how his name is in there and how her goal is to fall in love and how it’s happening right now….. and stop Cass.

Honey Bach, swap gyms when you get home!

Cass needs to find her way to make her mark – I need to kiss him, she says, it’s not like we haven’t kissed before. SERIOUSLY CASS STAHP.

Nameless bachelorette says what we’re all thinking – let’s hope Honey Bach has no bunnies at home.

Kayla (with a K) jumps in the pool for attention, no one pays attention.

Except for one Bachelorette who remarks that she ruined a perfectly good dress.

Honey Bach’s long-lost sister Britt Britt reminds all the girls about the importance of the key and Single White Female Cass smirks because it’s like fate you guys that he’s here and she’s here and she totally needs that key so she can watch Honey Bach while he’s sleeping.

Honey Bach gives Brooke aka our wifey the key and the first rose. Reminder to self: do not get attached to this romance. Brooke our wifey is going to come second and break our hearts.

Single White Female Cass is crying. Please send her home Honey Batch. It would be cruel to keep her.


Britt Britt the long lost sister gets a rose. Dasha the Russian gets a rose.  Some randoms get a rose. Cat and Shannon get a rose. Cass is about to boil a bunny and she’s stress eating her own fingers.

Some more randoms get roses. Sophie the dirty two-timer who love the water, you guys, gets a rose.

Another random. Cass is still waiting.


Bad move Honey Batch, she’s going to be stealing that key from Brooke later and taking your chest hairs to glue in her diary.

More randoms get roses, Vanessa Sunshine gets a rose. Bye randoms!