We recap The Bachelor 2018: episode 2

Honey Bach was shocked to learn Romy was a lizard woman from space.
Honey Bach was shocked to learn Romy was a lizard woman from space.

Read the episode one recap here. 

The show opens in the house with the girls gossiping about scary Cayla the energy healer. They’re shocked she got a rose and terrified for their own safety.

Osher arrives with the date card – single white female Cass really wants that date. She has feelings for Nick, unlike those other thirsty skanks.

Shannon, who might be the female version of Honey Bach, gets the single date.

The date opens with Nick contemplatively kicking a rugby ball and thinking deep thoughts before he’s met by Shannon who looks tippy top (his words not mine).

“Her shoes look like she stepped on two rabbits and kept on walking,” Honey Bach said.

No one tell the bunny boiler aka single white female Cass.

There are two options for this date – and Shannon chooses the second option, the “adventurous option”

They get into a helicopter – Honey Bach takes his shirt off to distract from his hideous moustache.

We cut to the girls discussing the likelihood of Shannon kissing Honey Bach.

Romy lizard licks her lips as she thinks about being the first person to pash that hideous moustache. I am convinced Romy is a lizard woman from space.

Cut back to Shannon who is anxious about winching out of a helicopter. It’s okay Shannon this is a normal way to feel because you’re a normal person.

The pair land in the water and Shannon emerges looking like a drowned rat. There’s a theory that you should get a woman wet on a first date so you can see how she looks sans makeup. Shannon passes this test because she’s a cute drowned rat.

The producers and Honey Bach would have us believe he’s planned the entire date, sure you did Honey Bach, we totes believe you. (¬_¬)

Honey Bach slaves over the hot coals preparing salmon – surprise twist Shannon hates fish.

But’s it’s okay, Honey Bach hates coffee and has a story to explain.

“So I’m brown bread – tinned fruited here,” he says – translation anyone?

“I love the way you put things, that’s so unique,” Shannon says.

Unique… indecipherable… whatevs.

Cue ad break.

We open to the girls in the mansion and a no-name wearing a headband announces the first group date!

Brooke, aka our wifey is going, Alexandra, Kristina, Sophie, Cass, Kayla T and Vanessa Sunshine, who would prefer a single date, even though she doesn’t like Honey Bach.

Cat says what we’re all thinking – Vanessa Sunshine is acting sassy as f*ck for someone who doesn’t even like our Honey Bach.

Cat gets to go on the group date, Alycia and Romy. Scary Cayla with a C nicknames them the snakes.

We cut to Honey Bach and Shannon on their date and it’s boring boring boring…..

So. Bored.

We get it Channel Ten they’re both ready to settle down blah blah blah. Shannon gets a rose, good for her. Can we please get back to our snakes in the mansion!

It’s dark and the rest of the harem are wondering where Shannon is. She walks in to cheers from most of the girls.

Of course single white female Cass does not cheer.

BRING ON THE GROUP DATE

Osher tells us that Honey Bach is a passionate person. Honey Bach tells us he is a passionate person.

Honey Bach quotes a Kmart poster – you live, you laugh, you love he tells the girls. Most of the girls probably have a version of this on their mood boards – so he’s preaching to the choir.

Something, something passion Romy says while licking her lips like a lizard.

The challenge is a themed photoshoot and the girls have gone into hair and makeup.

Thank tha lord someone has fixed Cass’s ratty extensions.

Cass, Romy and some nameless girls are dressed in 80s chic.

Single white female Cass reminds us that she knows Nick the best. She’s counted all his chest hairs and collected his nail clippings, so we can’t doubt this.

“I played one of Nick’s groupies….Cass tells us.

So nothing’s really changed for Cass.

Romy, who says she is 29 but was probably an actual teenager in the 80s, because lizard people don’t age, steps up to remind the girls how it’s done.

We cross to Vanessa Sunshine in a potato sack and Brooke in bogan chic – the only thing missing are the uggs a packet of Winnie blues.

Vanessa Sunshine is pushed to the side of the shoot – the snakes say what we’re all thinking – Vanessa Sunshine is more focused on herself than Honey Bach.

Honey Bach has a maze of experiences in Brooke’s eyes and she can’t even breathe properly.

Reminder to self – do not get attached to Brooke, don’t get attached, don’t get attached.

We cross to the snakes dressed as schoolgirls and Cayla in an ugly outfit, because it’s funny, you guys!

“Honey Bach got really close to me,” Cat says while she literally tries to drag him on top of her.

Honey Bach loses his shirt and scary Cayla won’t let the snakes get under her skin. She silently places a hex on them with her energy healer voodoo.

Honey Bach does a bit of yoga by the pool for his shoot with Sophie. Sophie is not passionate about yoga. Amen sister.

Honey Bach talks Sophie through the upward serpent suggestive dog (his words not mine).

The snakes all worry about how nervous Sophie’s is about the shoot.

Doesn’t she know she should be grateful to share her man with many other women?

SURPRISE DATE

Honey Bach shows up to the mansion and lets the Channel Ten harem know that dinner (him) is served (again his words not mine).

He picks Romy for the date and takes her to Uncle Mike’s pizza restaurant. Oh Honey Bach, lizard women don’t eat pizza.

Honey Bach and Romy roll some doughs.

Uncle Mike leaves to get some jalapenos aka ring spinners and some bum burners to their pizzas (again Honey Bach’s words not mine). Romy forgets Uncle Mike’s name.

Romy whacks Honey Bach in the face HARD with a handful of tomato sauce and hits him a few times, Honey Bach thinks this means she likes him, but really she’s just tenderising his delicious human meat.

Romy lizard licks her lips and tells us to prepare for sexual chemistry.

They sit on the couch where she lets Honey Bach know it’s not about his bod for her or his festy moustache.

It’s about what inside aka his delicious human meat.

Romy gets a rose and has a taste of Honey Bach. She lizard licks his neck a bit, then tries to pretend she an actual human by putting her lips on his mouth, the lizard licks his neck a bit more.

Honey Bach does not reciprocate because he says he needs to consider the feelings of his harem.

Romy doesn’t care, she’s logging it as the first kiss. She’s forgetting that 1. lizard licks are not kisses and 2. single white female Cass definitely hooked up with Honey Bach in the real world and therefore had the first kiss but

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME

Romy tells all the other girls about the not tacky not forced totally organic authentic human kiss.

Hearing this makes Shannon cry. She does not like sharing her boyfriend with a lizard woman.

Vanessa Sunshine is not fazed because she doesn’t even like Honey Bach. You do you Ms Sunshine.

A girl apparently called Tenielle is getting some alone time with Honey Bach. Romy needs to win back her man she tells us as she licks her lips.

Romy interrupts their chat so she can have some time to tenderise Honey Bach some more.

CUT TO ROSE CEREMONY

Romy the lizard has a rose and Shannon has a rose. Cat is not worried, Sophie is worried after her terrible upward serpent suggestive dog performance.

Some random gets the first rose, a girl apparently called Tenielle gets a rose, long-lost sister Britt Britt gets a rose, the three snakes get a rose, single white female Cass tries to kill a bunch of women with her laser eyes as they get roses, Cass gets a rose, some more randoms get roses. Sophie can chillax as she finally gets a rose. Scary Cayla gets a rose and the girls are terrified they will have to keep living with her for a bit longer.