It’s that time of the week again where we drink wine for dinner and judge people on TV – its Bachelor recap time!
Let’s just jump straight into the single dates this recap because confession, I missed the first few minutes because I couldn’t find my corkscrew and what sort of wine even comes with a cork these days? But anyway…..
SINGLE DATE TIME
Who is going on it? The clues lead all of us to believe it’s single white female Cass.
But *shock horror* (all Cass’s shock and horror) it’s actually Britt Britt, who was born in the same hospital as Honey Bach and might be his long-lost-sister-cousin.
And they’re going out on a freakin’ boat.
“Are you ready to Risk it for the biscuit,” Honey Bach asks Britt Britt.
“That’s my favourite quote,” Britt Britt says.
Like fu…. n it is Britt Britt. No one has a favourite quote and if they do it isn’t that one.
The pair gets off the boat to play footgolf, no that’s not a euphemism. It’s golf with big balls, get your minds out of the gutter.
During footgolf Honey Bach gets a bit touchy-feely in a way we shouldn’t with our long-lost-sister-cousins.
The pair then heads off on a sweet date *vomit* Channel Ten, I am here for drama, not saccharine sweetness.
On this date, Britt Britt lets us know she’s been single for seven years and Honey Bach lets her know that she has a powerful energy.
The pair head off to the pool and Britt Britt appears in a pair of magic bathers that appeared from thin air.
Honey Bach and Britt Britt share some time in the pool together where Honey Bach awkwardly avoids eye contact before getting out to produce a hidden rose from the same place Britt Britt’s bikini came from.
Britt Britt accepts and Honey Bach celebrates, like she was going to say no. (◔_◔)
Then the pair pash and this is Honey Bach’s first real kiss on the show, Romy you face raping lizard lady.
It was also at this point that I decide to stop calling Britt Britt Honey Bach’s sister-cousin. Awkward. Who even came up with that nickname? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
We cut to the girls waiting around in the lounge for Britt Britt.
I like when they wait around like this, they remind me of feral cats or rabid hyenas.
One of the feral hyena cats screams – “WHAT ARE THEY DOING?”
Britt Britt appears to let them know exactly what they’ve been doing. (¬‿¬)
In the words of Vanessa Sunshine – some bow chicka wow wow. Cass is devastated.
“I think she did kiss Nick. Straight away I’m feeling devastated,” she says.
GROUP DATE TIME
Cass gets butterflies and a tingling feeling when Nick is close to her – Cass is desperate to win the group date challenge so she can harvest Nick hairs, for her Nick shrine.
Wait, wrong person.
Romy licks her lips in excitement.
The group date challenge involves a ping pong ball and a straw and it’s totally the way we should pick our new PM. Forget leadership spills!
I don’t know what this challenge has to do with dating Honey Bach – but maybe it says something about steady hands and ball skills? Anyone, someone wins. Not Cass.
And then suddenly we cut to judgemental LLAMAS!
Channel Ten your editors are amaze. The Australian public demands more llamas – maybe we should replace one of the girls with a judgemental llama? They might give catty Cat a run for her money.
The next challenge involves walking on a pole and Emily the dancer is next up. I don’t think she’s the sort of dancer familiar with poles.
But I am pretty sure just wandered in from the llama field because I’m sure this is first time I’ve seen her.
Cass reminds us that’s she’s a stage five clinger again, Cat reminds us that she’s here to win
It’s Cass’s turn to walk the tree and she takes the time to steal a few more Honey Bach hairs to add to her hairball collection while she’s there.
I’m going to get serious for a moment – remember being in your twenties and being obsessed with a guy and saying the most embarrassing things to your friends? Cass is there, except Cass is being filmed for a television show and I hope she gets voted off soon, because in a few years she is going to watch this and DIE.
The next challenge is question time – between Cat, Vanessa Sunshine, some lady called Alex and some lady named Blair are going to smash hearts.
During this challenge, we learn some Nick facts, like he likes avocado and salmon toast for brekkie, plays the ukulele, his cat is named Beryl (great name for a cat btw).
Cat makes some snide comments, which I am living for.
“Boring so vain, she thinks her sh*t doesn’t stink,” Cat on Vanessa Sunshine.
Vanessa Sunshine just casually wins the whole game and looks disgusted.
“From what I’ve seen Vanessa Sunshine doesn’t smile a lot, but she could be a barrel of laughs,” Honey Bach says.
Aww our Honey Bach is the eternal optimist..
The pair have the most awkward date where Ms Sunshine looks like this the whole time.
We learn that brunch is just a Melbourne thing.
“It’s like breakfast and lunch as well,” Vanessa Sunshine says.
Babe, brunch exists outside of Melbourne. Many things exist outside of Melbourne.
Honey Bach tries and fails to diffuse this Melbourne is better than the rest of Australia tension.
“Do you have linner too – it’s like lunch and dinner,” he asks.
Vanessa Sunshine does not think this is funny, she does not think dad jokes are funny, she does not think Honey Bach is funny and she genuinely still does not know who he is.
Vanessa Sunshine is a Sunday without a sleep in, Vanessa Sunshine is loud noise during a hangover, Vanessa Sunshine is a mood.
THE NEXT DAY
Brooke aka our wifey is using the bachelor pad key and she’s making Honey Bach breakfast. Total wife move.
She wears her PJs, but a full face of makeup…. as you do.
But she didn’t pay attention yesterday’s – Honey Bach likes avocado, salmon and eggs on toast. Brooke shows up with bacon and egg rolls. #wifefail
The pair have breakfast in bed while Brooke lets Honey Bach know how genuinely awesome she is (no sarcasm here, I want to marry Brooke myself).
“She’s pretty wise for a bird of her age,” Honey Bach says.
I doubt she’s THAT wise considering she is on The Bachelor, but nothing will dim my love for the wifey.
*Don’t get attached, don’t get attached, don’t get attached.*
The pair play a bit of rugby and Honey Bach will not let Brooke win, so Brooke downs him on his Garry Jack (his words not mine) and the pair get in a cheeky pash.
They then sit on a rock for a deep and meaningful.
The pack of wild hyena cats are wondering where Brooke is.
She appears with a rose and hand in hand with Nick.
Cass dies inside.
“I’d like to kiss him,” she says and I blush on her behalf.
BUT wait can we just look at this dress for a bit?
The dress makes me completely forget what I was writing but it’s okay because – Cass pulls out her diary.
Never go full diary Cass.
Cass ruins the chance that any man will ever date her again. #stagefiveclinger
But before I can blush again on Cass’s behalf, we cross the Vanessa Sunshine and Cat. Vanessa Sunshine says her mini date went well.
But Vanessa Sunshine like, doesn’t know, like, if she’s attracted to Honey Bach, like why would she ever bother to like open up and she doesn’t like get attracted to a man after like an hour.
Yass Vanessa Sunshine. You are a complete hardarse mole and I love you.
Dasha the Russian and Honey Bach have a moment on the lawn together with a couple glasses of wine. This is how to live your best life people.
She tells Honey Bach that she has a little whippersnapper (his words not mine) and Dasha the Russian just made sure she’ll last a few more episodes before she’s gently let go for a lady with an unused womb.
Even though Dasha the Russian doesn’t scare Honey Bach off one bit – he says with a terrified look in his eyes.
I kid, I kid, I really think Honey Bach is better man than that and that he’ll let her go for a real reason – like she doesn’t enjoy dad jokes either.
Cass is watching them with a crazed look in her eyes. Holding her diary. Feeling vulnerable.
I actually can’t watch this.
Okay I lied. I can. But gosh darn gurrrrl stop. Obviously, the women in this house do not have each other’s backs because no one is telling Cass to put the diary down and chill. This is not feminism ladies.
Cass sits down with Honey Bach. She begs him not to look at her while she reads to him from her diary.
Love, at first sight, is mentioned.
“Thank you for sharing that with me, that’s awesome.”
It is not awesome.
Back to bitchy Cat and her one-sided feud with Vanessa Sunshine who does not care what Cat thinks.
Random blonde girl sips her wine and calls Cat on her BS.
Shannon is five glasses in and tries to get in on the argument but makes zero sense. We’ve all been there Shannon.
Shannon realises she’s too drunk to win this argument and tries to back out.
SHE IS DONE YOU GUYS.
THE MUSIC INTENSIFIES and we get some lewks. Cat tears everyone around her a new one. Never leave us bitchy Cat.
Britt Britt who is not Honey Bach’s long-lost-sister-cousin (we hope) and Brooke aka our wifey have roses already. Three girls are leaving.
Cass tells us her feelings run deep “and that’s why it has to be me at the end.”
Dasha the sexy mum gets the first rose just to prove the whippersnapper definitely does not freak Honey Bach out.
Blonde 1 gets a rose, blonde 2 gets a rose, Vanessa Sunshine gets a rose.
Emily the dancer who wandered in from the llama paddock gets a rose.
Cass gets a rose, brunette 1 gets a rose, blonde 3 gets a rose, catty Cat gets a rose.
Brunette 2 gets a rose, Blair gets a rose, Lady Honey Bach Shannon gets a rose, Steph gets a rose, brunette 3 gets a rose.
Scary Cayla and other Kayla are heading home with another random blonde.
We understand Honey Bach they should never have let two women with the same name into your love nest.
Scary Cayla drags Honey Bach outside and looks scary. Yasss drama.
She tells Honey Bach who the #fakehos are – catty Cat and Romy. Honey Bach looks freaked out and tries to run. But is gracious during this piece of lady drama.
Tomorrow catty Cat gets someone in the face!