The best exit from the Bachelor just happened.
But first! We open to Honey Bach topless in a muddy creek contemplating Dasha the Russian’s whipper-snapper.
I can’t believe I just combined those words into a sentence but that’s where I’m at in my career. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Dasha the Russian gets the single date, so she can assess Honey Bach’s family values.
The pair are going fly fishing which is really great because Dasha the Russian’s son likes fishing and we need to know that Honey Bach is totally not freaked out that the Russian has a child.
Honey Bach introduces her to waders and the pair flounder around.
(Let minnow if you hate fish puns because there’s more coming!)
“Nick loves slang as I have noticed,” Dasha the Russian says. Which means Dasha can’t understand what he’s saying but it’s okay Dash, neither can we.
Honey Bach teaches the Russian how to karate chop crocs but he keeps his trout in the toolbox.
We find out that Honey Bach is a is Libra and a Dasha the Russian Virgo – which FYI is a terrible zodiac match. I think. I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to anyone who isn’t a Sagittarius. But I was once with a Virgo and he was terribly highly strung, so based on that Dasha is not a great match.
Dasha the Russian has christened herself the Darth Wader, this Star Wars pun has nothing to do with fishing but as English is Dasha’s second language she gets bonus points for trying.
They head for a couch date and we find out that Honey Bach speaks better Russian than he does English.
The pair pash and have a reel good time (I told you there were more fishing puns coming).
GROUP DATE TIME
We Allianz Stadium done up like an old Gladiator set – Osher lets us know that the Rugby world cup has been played there and the NRL.
I think he is trying to remind us that Honey Bach is a profesh athlete – except Honey Bach played Union not NRL Osh….
Cat and Shannon are picked as team captains, this makes sense because they hate each other.
The girls get to play at primary school popularity and they conveniently split themselves up into the girls the producers want us to like and the ones we are supposed to hate.
The game is arrow tag which means the girls get to relieve some tension and shoot each other in the face.
Catty Cat needs this.
Honey bach gives the red team a pep talk, but the girls admit they don’t know what he actually said.
Emily from the llama paddock shoots Honey Bach in his Jatz crackers and attempts to mark her territory in the process because that’s how you get yourself a man right?
Vanessa Sunshine can’t even shoot a bow and arrow and clearly thinks this game is stupid. Which it is.
Bachy tries to motivate the girls on his team with a parable about drowned mice and damn he’s weird.
His head is all two-minute noodle hair and sayings.
Someone shoots Cass in the face, Cat shoots Shannon in the face.
Cat shows no remorse.
Cass’s hope is starting to make my heart hurt, she’s so desperate for that date.
But Honey Bach picks Cat who might be a psychopath (NB I am not a qualified psychologist, this comment is for entertainment value only).
Their date is a disaster.
“You’re definitely a thinker, not a stinker,” Honey Bach tells Cat.
“I’ve been single for two years,” Cat says.
We’re glad for the male population that this is the case.
Because behold this:
Cat gets her claws into Honey Bach’s face – literally. This is chemistry.
You might want to check out the #metoo movement Honey Bach or just use the old Rugby tackle on the next woman who tries to force her tongue down your throat.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME
Blair walks out in a tiny athletic outfit and a whistle and pulls Honey Bach into detention for not talking to her.
I’ll never forget her name again because this is weird AF.
Everytime Cass opens her mouth she reveals that’s she actually a really nice young lady and makes me feel terrible about give her crap online about her obsessive stalky behaviour.
Channel Ten please #freeCass. This is heading into cruelty territory.
She’s just a young girl feeling feels for the first time who shouldn’t be feeling those feels on national TV.
But back to the lols and someone who can actually handle humiliation on live TV – Cat.
And check out her necklace, it’ll be familiar to Game of Throne fans.
Cat might be an ancient witch, which actually explains a lot.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Two girls are going.
Some chick we don’t know gets the first rose even though we’ve never seen her interact with Honey Bach before.
Brunette 1 gets a rose, Shannon gets a rose, Bitch 1 Alicia is in, Bitch 2 Romy is in. Britt Britt is in. Emily the dancer from the llama paddock is in.
Cat aka bitch 3 is in despite her utter lack of chemistry and earlier face rape. Vanessa Sunshine is in.
Poor Cassy is in. #freecass
Two girls are out – I hardly knew ye. I think one of them was called Alexandra.
And I will never forget you woman who might be Alexandra because this was the best exit from The Bachelor. EVER.
Someone get this girl a Schick sponsorship asap.