Why do we have to Lift ‘n’ Peel?

Everyone's favourite part of a milk bottle.
Everyone's favourite part of a milk bottle.

JOURNALISM, it’s been said, can be an agent of change.

It’s the sort of lofty ideal usually spouted by people who’ve had long, distinguished media careers.

Real journalists, in other words – not then, the likes of me: a content peddler, an arranger of pixels on news websites in the hope of them spreading, Ebola-like, onto devices everywhere.

Journalism, done right and done well, can set people free.

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It can expose corruption, shine a light on the darkest recesses of the human soul.

Hell, it can even get UberEats into Mandurah.

With that spirit in mind – why can’t somebody get rid of those annoying plastic flaps they’ve started putting on milk bottles in recent years?

As far as we’re aware, milk bottles functioned pretty well without them.

What’s more, you’d think that having said Lift ‘n’ Peel flap would help eliminate instances of leakage.

You know what I’m talking about – the fridge door is full, and you’ve got no room for that two-litre bottle, so you lay it flat somewhere only to return and find it’s bled out 50 or 100mls into a cloudy puddle.

That milk could have made the difference between a dry bowl of porridge and a perfect bowl of porridge.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say milk bottles leak more often these days, in spite of the Lift ‘n’ Peel – based purely on my own anecdotal, sporadic and patently unreliable data set.

But here’s the real kicker: sometimes you can’t Lift ‘n’ Peel.

Sometimes, you can’t get a grip on that little bastard and you’re stuck with it.

Eight times in every nine, it lifts off easy, but that ninth time…

You seethe and wander from one end of your kitchen to the other, weighing up whether to find a pair of pliers or throw the bottle against the wall, that little induction-sealed layer all that’s standing between you and your Nutri-Grain.

Am I alone, screaming into the void?

Are there legions who actually welcome and worship the Lift ‘n’ Peel for its efforts to reduce spillage and improve food security?

Brownes, Harvey Fresh? I’ve been a disloyal customer for so long… what did I do to displease you?

Also by Greig Johnston:

Why we’d all be better off on bikes

How long until gambling ads go up in smoke? 

Why you can’t unhear Michael Jackson’s HBO allegations

Get in touch:

greig.johnston@communitynews.com.au